November 11, 2008

• Reflections on a Sleepless Night

  I've had two consecutive (not counting the weekend, of course) awful days with work. Somehow it crept into my mind as I laid down to sleep close to 90 minutes ago. I gave up on the tossing and turning thing, cracked at Coors Light and here I am: my (not so) triumphant return.

  I've often wondered, tonight is no exception, how I ended up here. I know there was a reason I went to law school, I just can't seem to remember what it was. Or what delusion I was under when I told myself: "That's  for you, go for it!" More and more I now think, "This is not for me, I don't want any part of it." And in virtually the same breath, I spoke of my plans to take the bar again next year.

  I can't begin to understand myself. The over-achieving-perfectionist-slacker. I think it's the worst combination of traits a personality could have. To put in such effort in the pursuit of perfection, only to neglect a seemingly minor, yet crucial detail that sets the whole plan on a course for destruction.  This is my major malfunction. Work and work and work, only to slack at a pivotal moment. And I just don't get it.

  So I can't help but wonder if there isn't something else out there for me? Something that doesn't trigger that slacker inside to rear its ugly head and spoil the party. Something that I can't use as a set-up for self-destruction.

  So far that only thing that seems to fit the bill is marriage. But I've only been at that endeavor for a month now.

  • 3:23 am
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