August 2, 2007

  • Well, I got poked, prodded, and peed yesterday.  All in the name of pre-employment screening.  I know that I am a relatively healthy person and I have no doubt that my drug screen will be perfectly clean.  Yet why am I still paranoid that something won't pass muster? 

    In part, of course, I worry that my weight will play a factor.  Because according to my BMI, I am The Big O.  Obese, you perves!  And also because in the past I have had high-ish blood pressure readings.  And yesterday I was stuck behind a big rig on a 2-lane highway, rushing to make it to my appointment on time.  So yeah, my blood pressure woulda been a little elevated.

    And the hearing test.  Who gives a hearing test in a pre-employment screening?!  The headphones were SO TIGHT that all I could hear was my GD'd elevated heart rate.  And myself breathing.  So I tried to do as little of it as possible.  And still probably did poorly on it.

    And where there's a hearing test, there's bound to be a vision test as well.  And as many of you know, I do wear glasses.  Just not all of the time.  So we put my astigmatism to the test and I have to say, I think I did OK considering.  I did have my glasses with me, but I didn't offer to bust them out, nor did the nurse request that I utilize them during the test.

    They also tested my flexibility and strength.  Which is strange because being a desk jockey doesn't always require strength and agility.  But nevertheless.  They tested my leg flexibility by laying on my back on a table and then lifting each leg.  I wanted to tell the guy "They'll go back farther than that!" but thought better of it.  In retrospect, I glad I kept quiet on that point because now that I say it out loud, it sounds a little naughty.  Like why don't I say "I can put my legs behind my head" while I'm at it.  (Which, for the record, is something I cannot accomplish.)

    And finally, there was the urine sample.  Last, but not least!  I commented to the nurse, "I've been waiting the whole time for this part!"  Read: I have GOT to PEE!!!  Nurse's response?  "You should have said something sooner."  Right.  Like I'm gonna tell the people testing me for drugs that I have to give them a sample ASAP.  Right.  Well, I guess I would have spoken up had my need been greater, but it was tolerable.

    I made it through all of the tests, so why is it that I'm still so paranoid?  Is it residual paranoia from my high school days?  Like a flashback?  Who knows.

    Yet there's still the matter of the background check, as well.  But I figure that if I can pass the (cough) rigorous Determination of Moral Character for the California Bar Examiners, I have nothing to worry about. 

    Right?

    All I know for sure is that I will be glad when all of the results come back and I can start my new job.